Skulduggery Pleasant and the Odd Coincidence
by Lady Alyss
Summary: Skulduggery going up against destiny, his creator and an old... acquaintaince, if that's what you can call it anyway. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

Firstly, thank you to all those who read _Although Bereft of You_. you're all vey nice people. im glad i made some of you cry, not in a mean way, but that my writing made you cry. that makes me happy and makes me sound really mean. i'll stop now.

and this is something i just thought of as a random idea. let ne know if you want it finishing. enjoy

* * *

People rushed by on the busy high street, normal people going about their normal business. Cars rushed by, as did police cars, buses and baby prams. The only abnormal people were standing outside the bookshop. The man was hidden behind a huge pair of sunglasses and a frizzy wig. The girl looked tired and grumpy. Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery dubiously. "Do we really have to go in here?" she asked grumpily. "I would much rather be sleeping."

"Nonsense," he said, brushing away Valkyrie's complaints. "Bookshops are wonderful places."

"But you have all the books you could ever possibly need," she whined.

"I don't actually. I need the entire works of Agatha Christie."

"Are you looking for detective tips?"

"No. All of mine were blown up."

Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery with an eyebrow raised. "Who would blow up your Agatha Christie books?"

"I did. I decided I needed some new ones. Come along now, we can't stand around all day; people will stare." He strode into the book shop and Valkyrie followed, wondering if she would end up quite as strange as her mentor.

The book shop smelt a little musty but it was hard to tell because the air conditioning was turned right up, freezing Valkyrie to the bone in a few seconds. The few windows that the shop had were small and dirty and let in little light. "Right, I'll head to the Crime section and you can wait here. I won't be long."

"Fine. But don't take ages; it's freezing in here." But Skulduggery had already left. Valkyrie collapsed onto one of the tiny armchairs. They'd been up most of last night hunting down an escaped murderer and now Skulduggery had dragged her to this bookshop. She just wanted to go to bed. However, this chair was so uncomfortable that sleep was impossible. She looked around and saw a few people browsing the various sections. There was an old lady looking at the hardback chart, her hair tucked into a flowered headscarf. A man who was chewing a cigarette glanced up as Skulduggery strode down the crime section. A tired mother was holding a baby and paying for a stack of baby books. This brought a smile to Valkyrie's face as she remembered the books her parents read to her when she was a baby. She got up and headed into the kids section. _If Skulduggery finds me..._ she thought, wondering how much he would tease her for being here. As she thumbed the spines of books, she realised it had been a while since she'd actually read a book that wasn't related to magic, like the ones in China's library. She picked up copies of books she's read long ago, smiling. Suddenly she froze. Her hand shaking slightly, she pulled a book from the shelf and stared at it. "Skulduggery..." she called.

"Coming," he called back cheerily. He staggered into view, hidden behind the entire _Miss Marple _series. "What?"

"Put those down and look at this."

"Valkyrie, I don't read childrens' books. Well, only occasionally, but that's beside the point."

"Skulduggery..." she said in an evil voice. He dumped the books, drawing angry glares from the shop assistants and looked at the book Valkyrie was holding. He froze too. It was a hardback book, a nice normal hardback book. But on the front was a skeleton in a suit rendered in a monochromatic drawing. Across the top in orange, black and white writing was the title: _Skulduggery Pleasant_. "Well this is odd," he said finally.

"Super sleuthing, Sherlock."

"Indeed. The only question is whether we read it or not." She stared at him.

"What do you mean, _whether we read it or not_? Of course we have to read it! It's about you! Or at least someone who resemblesd you to the point wher it's just creepy."

"But what if it's prophetic? We could change the course of history by reading this book, we could change all of time..." There was a seconds silence before they both exploded into laughter. "Let's get them."

"Them?"

"Yeah, there's a whole series. Look, I'm on the front of this one. And the next one! This is just so cool."

"Get two copies of each; I'm not reading them after you've got your grubby little hands all over them. You treat books like... like..."

"Skulduggery, this is not the time to discuss my book etiquette." Leaving the _Miss Marple_ books Skulduggery had stranded on the floor, they went to the check-out, paid for the books and headed back to Skulduggery's flat.

* * *

It was four in the morning by the time they were done and Valkyrie definitely wasn't tired anymore. The first two books had been an accurate description of their adventures so far, whilst also being a witty read. Skulduggery had pointed out that this was due to him being such a hilarious and witty man to write about, Valkyrie thought it was just the sheer quality of Derek Landy's writing. It was the third book that had Skulduggery pacing the sitting room and Valkyrie curled up on in her armchair with her eyes wide.

"We're going up against that Faceless Ones?" she finally said.

"No. Lightening doesn't strike twice, as they say."

"But it did. Two of the three are right Skulduggery."

"It can't strike three times."

"But if it could..."

"But it won't."

"But if it did..."

"But it won't."

"But it might..."

"You argue a fair case, but lightening doesn't hit three times."

"Try telling that to Roy C. Sullivan," she muttered

"What I want to know," he continued, "is how they've been so accurate in their description of us. They cannot possibly have guessed all of this."

"That is the mystery. It's a shame we didn't get the _Miss Marple_ books. They could've really helped." Skulduggery shot her a filthy look. "Let me get my hat and we'll track down this 'Derek Landy', if that's even his real name."

"I'm sure it is, Skulduggery."

"That's what he wants you to think."

* * *

On their way to Landy's office, Skulduggery let out a curse. "What now?" Valkyrie asked.

"I've just realised," he said, "This completely ruins my plans for an autobiography. Now I'm really mad."


	2. Chapter 2

I've decide to keep this going for a while longer. why? i here you say. mostly becasue all of you seem to like it (ta very much for the lovely reviews) but also it is really the only story i have on the go at the moment. so from one shot to chapter two. lets roll... enjoy

* * *

Derek Landy's office was a shabby looking building, hidden in the maze of Dublin back streets. You wouldn't have guessed it belonged to, as Skulduggery put it, an 'evil mastermind'. "Skulduggery," Valkyrie said as they walked towards the building, "do you really think that this is the best way to spend our time? We could be, oh I don't know, working on stopping the Faceless Ones coming and trying to destroy the world and taking you back to where they come from?"

"That could be the best way for us to spend out time. However, I'm more interested in finding out _how_ they know all this. Once we know that, we can worry about my imminent departure."

"If that's how you _want_ to spend your last few weeks..."

"Stop it."

"If you _want_ to spend your last weeks just _letting_ yourself fall into this situation..."

"Stop it."

"If you don't _care_ about being taken..."

"Valkyrie, one more word and I swear I'm telling Landy to write you out the series." He knocked on the office door. "Come in," called a cheery voice, the voice of a man unaware of the storm on his doorstep. Skulduggery opened the door and they were in the office of Derek Landy. It was remarkably like Gordon's office, Valkyrie reflected, with the same collection of books on the shelves, framed copies of his (Landy's) books on the walls and, now she was guessing, a secret passage behind the bookshelf. "Good morning, Sir. What can he do... for... you..." He trailed off as he saw Skulduggery unwinding his scarf and taking of his sunglasses. "Good morning, Mr Landy," Skulduggery said. "I'm Mr Pleasant and this is my partner Miss Cain. I think you know us."

"You know, since we're the subjects of your books," Valkyrie added

"Exactly."

"He's sure - he – mistake – he – aaaaah," Landy trailed off, slouching into his chair. "He's seen cosplayers before, but the real article is... something else entirely." Valkyrie frowned. "Who's 'he'?"

"Sorry?" Landy asked

"You keep saying 'he'."

"Oh, he refers to himself in the third person. It started when he was writing author's blurb, but he thought it was pretty cool and decided to keep it up."

"But back to the point," pressed Skulduggery, whilst pulling out a chair for himself, "I would like you to tell us how you've been documenting our lives. I'm curious, especially about your most recent book. Tell me, how can you know I'm going to the world of the Faceless Ones?"

Valkyrie was still frowning. "You wrote in your first book that you only used the 'he' thing in author's blurb so you wouldn't sound pompous."

"Ok, Landy, can you write her out the series?"

"Skulduggery, that's just mean. I was only saying-"

"How is that relevant to our situation?"

"I was just saying-"

"I thought you'd be interested in all of this too, since the books start on you." At this Valkyrie turned back to Landy, who had been watching this conversation with amazement written all over his face, which quickly turned to fear as Valkyrie snapped, "How _do_ you know all about our lives?" Skulduggery sat back in his chair with his arms crossed.

"I suppose it's just one big coincidence, ah heh heh heh..." He tailed off again as he saw the two disbelieving faces facing him.

"Landy, please don't insult our intelligence."

"Well, he didn't really know what he was getting himself into, at first. Someone just mentioned that they could give him a really good idea for a children's book, it was about a skeleton who takes on a partner and they deal in magic, well, you know the rest and it sort of... snowballed."

"So you're trying to tell us that someone _sold_ you our lives?"

"Well yes."

"I can't believe this!" exclaimed Valkyrie. "For goodness sake Skulduggery, you don't know anyone who wouldn't betray you, do you?"

"That's in the book," mumbled Landy.

"I'm beginning to agree with that statement," nodded Skulduggery. "Do you know the name of the person who sold you... us?" he asked.

"It's not so much who as what," replied Landy.

"Deja-vu," muttered Valkyrie.

"Then what sold us to you?"

"It's quite funny, actually; we'll all laugh about this afterwards."

"Landy..."

"Fine, he'll just get him out."

Landy reached behind his desk and opened a small cupboard. He brought out a circular object covered in a velvet blanket resting on a podium. Soft snores were coming from under it. He pulled off the cover and there lay a skull. A few seconds silence floated round the office before Skulduggery cried out, "Wait a second! That's my skull!"

"Can this get any weirder?" asked Valkyrie. The skull seemed to wake up at his point and said, in Skulduggery's voice, "That's my body!"

"No," Valkyrie was answering her own question. "Nothing can be weirder than this."


	3. Chapter 3

Well thanks to your lubbly jubble reviewers, especially the dude who said this was his favourite story EVER! utterly awesome... to the girl to which this is her first fanfiction, im flattered, but seriously, im not the best. all the other guys are amazing. read them.

Also, I just want to point out I think Derek Landy is totally able to come up with his own utterly brilliant story ideas, sorry for not mentioning that before. For god's sake, he RULES! i mean, isnt skulduggery the best character ever? oh, and the opening is kinda abrupt, but its all i could do under time pressure (not from you guys, but the time slot in now have on the computer which i have to share.... wah...)

* * *

"How could you just replace me?" the skull asked. "I held your brain, I kept it safe, I ruled your body with nothing but excellence and you just _replace _me? Just like that? You don't even bother to look for me? It makes all those years we spent together seem pointless."

"I'm sorry, but I think..." Skulduggery began.

"But you're the Isthmus Anchor!" Valkyrie pointed out. "You need to come with us."

"I'll do no such thing!" said the skull. "He betrayed me! I spent hours with those goblins, calling out for my body and you didn't even bother to come and look for me."

"I didn't actually notice you were gone," Skulduggery pointed out. Valkyrie smacked her face into her palms. "You didn't even notice I was gone?" the skull yelled, the force of the shout almost rolling him off the table. "Did I mean that little to you?"

"No, it wasn't like that at all-" Skulduggery began, trying to pacify his own head, which was going into what could only be called hysterics.

"Well now I've had my revenge!" the skull yelled, even louder this time, each opening of the jaw sending him flying into the air. "I've had my revenge; I've published your life and your little accomplice's too and you didn't even know!" The skull was now laughing so loudly that if it had been a human, he would've been choking. Valkyire backed away slightly. Landy was sitting watching the events in front of him unfold with a look of rapture on his face and a tape recorder in his hand. "What's up with the tape recorder?" she asked

"Oh this? He's going to use this here," he gestured to the scene in front of him: Skulduggery trying to prise the skull off his suit where it was clinging on with its teeth after leaping off the table at him. "It's going to be the basis for his world book day book." With a loud ripping noise, Skulduggery pulled the skull of his jacket lapel and held in front of his own head. "Fair enough," said Valkyrie.

"Listen... skull," Skulduggery said soothingly, "I really didn't mean to lose you. You managed to get me into such a superior meditative state that I wouldn't have noticed if my legs had been taken."

"Keep going," said the skull.

"When I discovered you were gone I was... mortified."

"Yeeeeees..."

"Distraught. Distressed. Horrified."

"Sooooooo?"

"And I would be very honoured and thankful if you would consent to being my head again." The skull began to cry. At least Valkyrie thought it was; it was hard to tell since it didn't have a face. "But first," Skulduggery pressed, "if you don't mind me asking, how did you know about us? How were you able to trace our lives? I don't want my enemies to be able to track me."

"Your enemies? You mean the ones who are currently dead or locked up?" Valkyrie snorted

"Theoretically speaking..."

"Oh," the skull said, sniffing, "it wasn't hard. As I used to be your head, there was a sort of psychic link between me and your body, and your _new_ head. I could still see everything you were doing."

"Ok, that makes sense. But how do you know I'm going to be taken by the Faceless Ones? How do you even know that they're coming?"

"I don't really know..." the skull said thoughtfully. "It's more of a feeling, really."

"You have a feeling the Faceless Ones are coming?" The skull tried to nod, though with little success without a neck. "A feeling?" it nodded again. "You're basing my fate on a feeling?" There was more nodding. "So it could all be completely spurious?"

"Well, yes." Valkyrie let out a sigh of relief.

"Well that sorts that out," Skulduggery stated. "Mr Landy, I'm sure you won't mind if I reclaim my head, will you?"

"But the books..." Landy began

"Can come from your own imagination," finished Skulduggery.

"That would make sense," muttered Landy. "But then they won't be real."

"Was your zombie movie real?" Valkyrie asked. There was a slight pause. "No."

"Well then." Skulduggery fixed his new head onto his spine, leaving the old skull lifeless on the desk. Landy gave it a poke. "It doesn't talk."

"That's Skulduggery PLeasant only, I'm afraid."

On the way out the office, Skulduggery suddenly slammed into the doorframe with a sickening thud. "Skulduggery!" Valkyrie said. "What on earth are you doing?"

"That's for losing me," the skull said. Skulduggery then crashed into the other side of the door frame. "That's for not noticing I was gone." Then Skulduggery was hurled down the stairs. From the bottom landing, Valkyrie heard, "What was _that _for?"

"For not looking for me!"

"Well, thank you Mr Landy," Valkyrie said. "Hope we didn't disturb your day too much. Goodbye for now." She gently closed the door on a rather stunned looking man and padded down the stairs to help Skulduggery hobble into the Bentley.


	4. Chapter 4

OTG (oh their God)! on my first paw, i think i know the name of the next Skulduggery Plesant book! according to the doctrine of Wikipedia, it's called: _Skulduggery Pleasant: Project Isthmus (due to be realeased in 2010) _**i cant wait until 2010! **aaaaaaaaaaaargh!

on the other paw, thank you to lubbly reviewers. i liiiiiiiiiike you. and soz if it isnt very funny, but it gave me an idea for a great fanfiction so i had to finish it kinda stat. oh yeah, and this is the end, so there will be no more chapters. i feel i need to raise this point: if i have posted that the story is FINISHED then it is FINISHED and asking me to write more will not result in more fanfiction. it will result in me being in a really bad mood.

and on the third paw (what kinda animal am i? wait, that came out reeeeally dodgy...), i am now a BETA rader! im pretty sure i have someone lined up, but she hasnt gotten back to me yet (S.O.S, thats you) so thats all dandy. anyway, enjoy :P

* * *

By the time Valkyrie had gotten the injured Skulduggery back to his flat, she was too tired to drag herself home. Whilst half pulling up the stairs, she had to point out: "Skulduggery, you are such a child. You only fell down the stairs."

"I fell down four flights of stairs, Valkyrie."

"I fell out a tree and I didn't complain."

"Actually you did."

"Trees are harder: at least stairs have carpet on them."

"Yes, that was what I noticed; whilst hitting every corner of every stair extremely painfully, I took the time to notice the carpeting."

"You do realise I can just leave you here?"

"So you're going to play that card, are you?" She started to laugh, which abruptly stopped when Skulduggery bounded up to his flat. There wasn't even time to hit him.

"Can I crash here tonight?" she asked. Skulduggery shrugged.

"Of course you can."

"Then I'm going to turn in now. Good night!"

"Good night." After the usual fight for the bathroom (which Valkyrie ineviably won, being as she put it, a 'living girl who actually _needs_ to shower') Valkyrie was soon asleep and Skulduggery was in deep in meditation. Or you would've thought he was. He himself was deeply unconscious but his skull was sitting on his spinal cord, fuming. _He hasn't spoken to me once since we got back_, it fumed. _Not once. I bet he wasn't mortified when I was taken; I bet he was barely mortified, I bet he wasn't even upset! I bet he didn't even care. He lied to me, he _lied. _He doesn't deserve me, no one deserves me. I am too good for anyone! I am Skull, Skull the supreme, Skull the magnificent! _The skull paused in its ramblings. _There's only one thing I can do. I have to leave. That will show him! Ha! Then he'll regret all of this._ The skull began to rock on the spinal cord, making Skulduggery look like a nodding dog. _But hang on. He'll still remember everything! He'll try and get me back. No no, he'll never get me back, no siree, NEVER! _And in his fit of manic rage, the skull performed an impressive piece of magic. It wiped part of Skulduggery's mind, removing all trace of their meeting. A small giggle came from the skull, then a chuckle, then a bark and then the skull was laughing like an evil genius, which some could argue he was.

"Skulduggery?" the lights flickered on. "What the _h**l (AN: It's K+) _are you doing?" The skull stopped laughing very quickly. "Skulduggery..." Valkyrie said slowly, rubbing her eyes. "Are you ok?" The skull leapt off Skulduggery's spinal cord, leaving Skulduggery's body to flop onto the floor and flew at Valkyrie, jaws snapping like an OAPs false teeth. At four in the morning, even a trained warrior like Valkyrie is not on good form, so forgive her for not moving from the oncoming skull. It bit her ear and from there it wasn't long until the skull had wiped her mind too. She collapsed to the floor, snoring softly. "My work here is done," the skull muttered and it began rolling out of the flat.

Valkyrie groaned as she sat up off the floor, rubbing her hands along her head. It was throbbing like a tiny man was playing a drum in it with all the exuberance of a hyperactive five year old. Opening her eyes against the seemingly blinding light, she realised she was in Skulduggery's main sitting room. This was reasonably alarming as she was sure she went to sleep in her room. What was more alarming was that Skulduggery wasn't in his meditating chair. "What in God's name happened last night?" she asked. "Nuts, is my ear bleeding? Skulduggery? Skulduggery, where are you?"

"What on earth happened last night?" Skulduggery's voice came from the other side of his chair.

"You tell me," she mumbled, still rubbing her aching head. "I don't remember anything. You said we were going out somewhere after chasing that murderer and then it's all blank and fuzzy." Her eyes were still bleary from whatever had happened last night and she was only vaguely aware of Skulduggery stumbling across the room. He didn't seem quite right though. "Skulduggery?"

"Please stop talking. It's really painful."

"Skulduggery, where's your head?" he reached up and swiped at the air where his skull should've been. Valkyrie began to giggle, seeing this suit moving about the room without a head. "Stop laughing," he said, whilst patting all the surfaces. "And help me find my head!" Valkyrie was still laughing. "What were we doing last night?" she asked through chokes.

"I'll let you know when I find out," he replied.

"How are you talking?" she finally asked.

"Valkyrie, I've lost my head, I've lost my memory, but still manage to have a headache and you're wondering how I talk? How on earth do I know? Dear God, this is like having a hangover." Valkyrie froze at the same time as Skulduggery. "We... didn't go out drinking, did we?" asked Skulduggery.

"I... don't...know..." Valkyrie said slowly. "I remember shouting and rowdiness..."

"There was definitely shouting..."

"I think you fell down the stairs..."

"We had just caught that murderer..."

"I think you were crying..." They stood in silence for a little while. "You took me out drinking!"

"Now, we don't know that-"

"You really are irresponsible."

"We aren't sure-"

"Irresponsible, Skulduggery." She paused. "But it is quite cool."

"Well..."

"My parents would never do that."

"Probably for a very good reason-"

"You are so _cool_ Skulduggery!"

"You could say that-"

"This is so awesome!"

"But do you know what would be really cool?"

"Doing it again?"

"No, it would be _really_ cool never to tell anyone about this, ever. Especially Ghastly."

"Done." She let the silence soothe her aching head. "Are we going to go find your head today?"

"I was planning on staying perfectly still until the room stops moving."

"Thank God, that's exactly what I wanted to do."

"Good."

"Can we stop talking now?"

"Thought you'd never ask." They simultaneously collapsed to the floor and let out a small sigh of relief.


End file.
